Thursday, August 31, 2006

Recognize my shoes?

I recognize yours. You couldn't suppress the noises when I came in. Oh, how you tried. But for lack of a better word, they slipped out. Did you really think you could hold yourself until I left? I always like to take my time when someone's in your position. One of those games we all play. Make sure no 'dots' show up. I wash my hands for the proper amount of time, make sure they're dry. I went back to the café loveseat, kicked up me feet on the table and continued writing. A few minutes later you walked out. I secretly observed you glancing at everyone's shoes trying to figure out who was in there while you were 'occupied.'

My only advice: next time you feel you may need to use the public stalls when you go out and don't want to be recognized, avoid the bright red Pumas. Wear something more generic.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Reverend Bernie

My inspiration for starting Inner Evildoer. The Reverend Bernie isn't his real name, of course. But he did call himself "The Reverend." I met him while visiting a girlfriend at Deekeeter University (again, just a pseudonym, those in the midwest may know which college this is). As we got closer to her dorm, we saw a crowd surrounding an ice-cream truck. Actually, it was a converted ice-cream truck. A traveling chapel with a pulpit instead of a freezer. Shouting from inside was The Reverend Bernie.

He had an amen brother in front, holding sheets of home-made stickers of each of the 7 deadly sins. As soon as The Reverend Bernie would point out a sinner, his brother would appropriately brand them. Everyone was shouting back, hoping to be 'branded.' Every girl (and some guys) got slapped with 'Lust.' Anyone with an iPod or nice clothes got slapped with 'Greed.' A couple fat guys got hit with the 'Sloth' sticker. And for the real sinners amongst us, he had an all encompassing '7' sticker. That became the one to get. The campus police showed up, not to break up the fun but to snag a 'Pride' sticker. "Who do you think you are to tell me what to do?" shouted The Reverend in his garbled, mush-mouth way as his partner peeled off the stickers and slapped them on the CP. These guys were just a train-wreck of the absurd.

That night, my girlfriend told me that one of her friends caught The Reverend and his "brother of God" getting carnal on each other. While joking about this absurd situation, we came up with the 'Deekeeter Honors Student' brand. Later that night, we quickly created our own sticker (with my Catholic High School colors, natch) and stuck it on the rear of The Reverends chapel as a thank you for visiting our lovely campus. Luckily he decided to stick around a couple of days (there's a lot of sin committed on a campus). If he knew I was the one who branded him like that, I would've received the honorable '7' sticker.

So the next time you see an ice-cream truck cum portable chapel, think of me when you see the 'Deekeeter Honors Student' bumper sticker. Just keep your ears open for the awful music-box hymns and either run towards it or run away. There ain't no ice-cream there.